28 razões para NÃO visitar Portugal!

If you ever think about going to Portugal to spend some time, then I strongly suggest you read this article before making your decision. It’s for your own good, really.

1. Portugal is rather dull-looking.

Douro River, Porto.Douro River, Porto.

2. The natural landscapes aren’t exactly breathtaking.

Douro Valley

Douro Valley

3. If you’re looking to go to the beach, forget it. They’re all crap.

Praia da Rocha, Algarve.

Praia da Rocha, Algarve.

4. Yep, nothing to see here at all, folks.

Beach cave at Praia de Benagil, Lagoa.

Beach cave at Praia de Benagil, Lagoa.

5. Please, the hobbit house is a lot cooler. You poser.

Casa do Penedo in Fafe, Braga.

Casa do Penedo in Fafe, Braga.

6. It’s a country with absolutely no history.

Padrão dos Descobrimentos, Lisbon.

Padrão dos Descobrimentos, Lisbon.

7. It’s boring to be at. Nowhere interesting to go to.

Guimarães Castle, the birthplace of Portugal.

Guimarães Castle, the birthplace of Portugal.

8. It’s just meh.

Serra da Estrela

Serra da Estrela

9. No interesting wildlife

Iberian Wolf

Iberian Wolf

10. The countryside is as exciting as watching paint dry

Drave, Aveiro.

Drave, Aveiro.

11. Aveiro is Portugal’s Venice? Pfff, please. Nice try.

Aveiro

Aveiro

12. The food looks awful.

Cozido à portuguesa.

Cozido à portuguesa.

13. And then there’s also the “francesinha” I wrote about in my former post. It almost makes you wanna throw up, doesn’t it?

Francesinha from Tappas Café in Candal, Vila Nova de Gaia, Porto.

Francesinha from Tappas Café in Candal, Vila Nova de Gaia, Porto.

Check out the former post here.

14. The drinks too. No good wine anywhere in this country. Just awful.

Graham’s Port Wine.

Graham’s Port Wine.

15. No especially tasty sweets either for dessert. Why God, why?

Pastéis de Belém, Lisbon.

Pastéis de Belém, Lisbon.

16. The cities, especially the main ones, look horrible. And you call yourself the capital, Lisbon?

Praça Marquês de Pombal, Lisbon.

Praça Marquês de Pombal, Lisbon.

17. Nothing cultural or traditional worth noting.

Festa do São João in Porto (lit. St. John’s Festival).

Festa do São João in Porto (lit. St. John’s Festival).

18. Museums are even more boring than usual. No history, remember?

National Coach Museum, Lisbon.

National Coach Museum, Lisbon.

Serralves Museum, Porto.

Serralves Museum, Porto.

19. No good music festivals happening either. Much less international ones.

Rock in Rio Lisbon 2014.

Rock in Rio Lisbon 2014.

20. And even the women are hideous. Seriously, some of them even have a moustache!

Sara Sampaio, Portuguese model (with a little tweak, lol).

Sara Sampaio, Portuguese model (with a little tweak, lol).

21. Awful music called “Fado” that is apparently held in high regard by all the Portuguese. Can’t figure that one out for the life of me.

A drawing of Amália Rodrigues in Lisbon. She is considered to be the voice of Portugal, the Queen of Fado.

A drawing of Amália Rodrigues in Lisbon. She is considered to be the voice of Portugal, the Queen of Fado.

22. In terms of sports, Portugal sucks. No one here cares much about it, especially about football.

Estádio da Luz, Lisbon. Portugal x Sweden, 2013.

Estádio da Luz, Lisbon. Portugal x Sweden, 2013.

23. The people are very rude. And they don’t care much for foreigners. You’ve been warned.

Merchants at the Bolhão Market, Porto.

Merchants at the Bolhão Market, Porto.

24. And look, it’s a freaking wasteland mostly.

Marvão, Portalegre.

Marvão, Portalegre.

25. Especially in Alentejo. It’s basically the desert of Portugal.

Alentejo.

Alentejo.

26. People don’t know how to party there. Really disappointing.

Xutos e Pontapés at Enterro de Aveiro, April 2014.

Xutos e Pontapés at Enterro de Aveiro, April 2014.

27. So, if you still haven’t got the message…

Parque da Cidade do Porto.

Parque da Cidade do Porto.

28. Don’t bother traveling to Portugal!

Torre de Belém, Lisbon.

Torre de Belém, Lisbon.

Oh, and also…

Cristiano is obviously sad to see you’re never, ever coming to visit his country. So is Mourinho, but a tough SOB like him would never show his tears.

Cristiano is obviously sad to see you’re never, ever coming to visit his country. So is Mourinho, but a tough SOB like him would never show his tears.

You’ve probably realized it halfway through this, but I am indeed contradicting myself in this article. And yes, this is on purpose. That’s becausePortugal is actually one of the best places you could ever visit! Just ask anyone who’s been there that was in a position similar to yours, or people that actually live there. And yes, you will probably encounter some older people with moustaches, although it’s not as common as before. But not women though! That was just a joke.

I hope not…

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